So much of the time I try to keep life from drowning me. So much of the time it is seconds from succeeding.
I’ve lost the amount of times I’ve debated about taking a knife and ending it all.
Because really life would go on just perfectly without me…but it’s not that simple.
I’ve never really been a fan of relationships, because they are hard. You have to put your heart into someone else’s hands, and hope they don’t crush it. A lot of the time they will take it and never give it back. Then you have to find a way to go on while a part of yourself is gone.
I’ve lost myself so many times. I have tried so many ways to get parts of me back. There are parts of me that I’ve gained back, and some that I will never get back.
This month I had the privilege to visit my home state, Maryland. This was the first time in nearly ten years. As soon as I stepped into the Baltimore airport, it felt like home. I got to see family that knew me before the suicidal thoughts. The family who has stories about how big of a brat I was. The family that has so much of my mom and aunt in them, that at times it’s almost as if they were alive again. I have now been in Indiana longer than I was in Maryland, but I still have the east coast rooted in me. But while I was in MD I got to see the Indiana in me.
I knew emotions would surface during my visit, but I wasn’t sure how they were going to look. One of the nights, tears just fell out of my eyes. I had an idea of the cause, but at the same time it was just a mix of everything. When I couldn’t stop the tears, I ended up texting a close friend, because I needed the comfort of them and Indiana. That was one of the moments when Baltimore no longer felt like my home. That still didn’t make leaving Maryland any easier.
I had to leave a part of my heart in Maryland once again. That is the sacrifice of having a relationship with someone. I am learning to be okay with that, because relationships are important. If I hadn’t trusted that friend with my heart, then I wouldn’t have had someone who knew me well enough to share my pain with. Or someone to keep me in check when I do something so out of my nature.
I’m still not one to share a whole lot about me, which makes it harder to build deep relationships. It is the reason why roughly two people know the real me. It may take a long time to find someone who you are able to share anything with, or you could meet someone who is able to get those personal things out of you instantly. I found both types of people.
Having relationships doesn’t mean you are safe from feeling sad or doing stupid things because of that pain. Even with those relationships, I have lost myself more than once. Thankfully I had people who cared enough about me.
My relationship with both of those people are very important to me, but there is one relationship that beats both of those people, and that is my relationship with God.
After those friends call me out for things that aren’t showing off great character, I am able to recharge with God. After I spend time with God, I am able to put the real Logan back into those relationships. It’s great to make earthly relationships, but don’t forget to put time and energy into your relationship with God. Again not an easy thing for me, but definitely very important.
Relationships are not easy, but necessary to keep you afloat.